'Dancing With Jeff': Season 12, Episode 2 of 'Dancing With the Stars'

Yidio is pleased to announce a new guest column from comedy pro Jeff Ford. A writer, performer and co-founder of pH Productions in Chicago, Jeff tends to spend as much time on-stage performing comedy (NYC Improv Festival, Toronto Improv Festival, Chicago Improv Festival) as he does off-stage writing it.

Jeff found a niche in reviewing ABC Reality Shows ("The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," " Bachelor Pad") while working with pop-culture snark-site Schadenfreude.net - the online home for the popular Chicago-based comedy troupe Schadenfreude (a Chicago Emmy-nominated group whose work has appeared regularly on NPR).  Jeff has discovered that not only are the reality shows he loves to hate ripe with content for sarcastic reviews, they also bring him closer to his wife - he watches and comments while she watches and waits with bated breath in anticipation.

Check back weekly for Jeff's take on "Dancing with the Stars," starting with his latest review of last night's ratings-smashing two-hour second episode.

"Dancing With the Stars" Week 2: A Review

The Dancing With the Stars gods were merciful and decided to allow everyone to remain for a second week.  Unfortunately, we’re stuck watching them all dance again.  Tom Bergeron claims that 23 million people watched this show last week.  I can’t believe there are 23 million old people who know how to work their remote.

They’ll be adding the votes from this week to last week’s tally for the elimination.

Sugar Ray Leonard — The Jive
In order to make Sugar Ray more comfortable with the dance his partner decides to include some of his “famous boxing moves” — like punching.  Cain may have invented punching, but Sugar Ray made it famous.  You don’t know how much you miss the cheesy, manufactured bits they do for the practice clips until they don’t bother to do them at all.  The only thing more boring than dancing is dancing practice.

Not only does he not know how to dance, but it looks like he also forgot how to punch.  The two annoying judges reach for compliments by telling him that he was entertaining while the old judge tells him that he’s going home.  The old judge has forgotten about Mike Catherwood.

My score: Practice makes boring.

Kendra Wilkinson — The Quickstep

Kendra Wilkinson's partner tells her that the Quickstep is all about being a lady.  Uh oh.  This feels like her hot button issue.  Yep, she begins crying because she feels like a boy.  How many subscribers does Playboy have?  I’m pretty sure they can all verify she is not a boy.  At least her “dealing with insecurities” segment is out of the way by the second week.  Now she can go back to being watchable.

If a true lady is stiff and robotic, she nailed it.  Out of nowhere, the old judge calls her boobs “chesticles.”  He failed to mention her “rumptoids.”

My score: I think I pulled a facericep rolling my eyes.

Chelsea Kane — The Jive
We’re supposed to be interested because of the stars, right?  Someone forgot to tell the dance pros.  Her partner makes the practice segment interesting by saying things like, “I’m in love with your brain.”  No one is in love with her brain.  In fact, she’ll probably never find true, lasting love.

They do a weird clown/mime theme for the dance which actually manages to make it interesting.  Unfortunately, the judges base their scores on boringness, made up dance terms, and ultra-boringness.  The audience loves it.  It’s fun to watch the judges flail blindly to try to prove that they are relevant.  Everyone knows the audience trumps the judges every time.

My score: Power to the people.

Chris Jericho — The Quickstep
Chris claims that Cheryl (his partner) is tougher than any of his “wrestling trainers.”  Doesn’t he mean “other choreographers”?  Cheryl is worried about his “frame” so she outfits him with that weird torture device that forces him to keep his arms up.  Where did they find one of those things big enough to fit him?  Chris is disappointingly normal.  I was hoping for more Slim Jim snapping.

During his dance, the audience sat stunned while he nailed it.  They were too shocked to cheer when he did something good.  The Mountain Who Dances moves like a, well, something that is huge yet graceful.  Afterwards he is unreasonably excited and calls his partner “the dancing Yoda.”  I think he meant “the Yoda of dance.”  A dancing Yoda is something completely different.

My score: Going far, he will.

Petra Nemcova — The Jive
Petra is afraid of the tricks so her partner takes her to a gym with a giant trampoline so she can learn to fall.  Really?  She’s scared of tricks?  Didn’t she survive a tsunami?

There’s nothing worse than when the band tries to cover an Elvis song.  Add awkward dancing to that and you’ve got the recipe for a crap stew.  About 30 seconds into the dance, her partner rips off her dress and leaves her nearly naked.  It’s not the first time someone has tried to hide bad dancing with sex.

My score: Another boring hot girl.

Kirstie Alley — The Quickstep
Kirstie reveals that she’s not only trying to win the competition but she’s also trying to lose 40 pound during the competition.  Isn’t there another show for that?  One that I’m not reviewing?  She even manages to work in a  “winning” joke about the actor which Yidio shall not name.  If she had cried, she would have hit the terrible trifecta.

Who decided to drape her in pink from head to toe?  Not a good look.  I need to mention that Brooke Burke is the worst host on television.  Kirstie Alley is an experienced television pro and Brooke’s fumbling manages to make her look awkward.  How does she still have this job?

My score: Losing.

Mike Catherwood — The Jive
Mike is clearly here for comic relief.  Unfortunately, no one checked to see if he could actually dance.  He can’t, though they spend the entire practice segment showing us his three good moments and telling us that he might actually be able to pull it off this week.  His partner, Lacey, has decided to stick with the I-can’t-afford-a-new-dye-job look.

He’s so pigeon-toed it looks painful.  I think he’s got dancing confused with marching.  Can we get Dr. Drew to stage an intervention?  To his credit (I think?) he looks and sounds defeated.  He’s not even trying to make jokes, but Brooke Burke waits for one anyway.

My score: Put him out of his misery, America.

Romeo — The Quickstep

Romeo continues what will be his season long obsession with himself.  When he’s not fawning over himself, he’s hitting on his partner.  This will never get old.  Everyone loves a dude that’s totally into himself and is constantly hitting on any girl within 100 yards.

I’m pretty sure the director fell asleep during Romeo’s dance.  We spent several seconds watching another camera instead of him dancing and the cuts were awkward and made no sense.  This means we’re going to have to take the judges at their word.  The old judge declares it the best dance of the night which means we’ll be stuck with Romeo for another week.  Also, can we finally retire “You’re the One that I Want” from everything ever?  Is there anyone that still likes this song?  Even "Glee" fans have to hate it, right?

My score: "Glee" sucks.

Wendy Williams — The Quickstep
The judges have asked Wendy to bring “more Wendy to the table.”  No.  Just no.  She spends the whole segment worried about her boobs and spouting out random clichés that have nothing to do with anything.  I can only imagine that this is exactly what her show is like.

She towers over her partner and she doesn’t dance so much as she just kinda walks around.  Why do they insist on dressing the bigger girls in all pink?  Dancing cotton candy is not sexy.

My score: Pink is ruined for me.

Ralph Macchio — The Jive
Ralph decides to bring his kids to rehearsal to give him some feedback.  Did you know that he named his son Daniel?  I know the role defined you, Ralph, but naming your son after the most famous character you ever played?  Does anyone not call him Daniel-san?

Can we just go ahead and give him the trophy?  He’s so much better than everyone else and it would allow me to enjoy a Monday night for once.  Of course, the judges hate him.  This is "Dancing with the Stars."

My score: At least he didn’t name his kid Miyagi.

Hines Ward — The Quickstep
Hines whines about how he has weak shoulders because of his football injuries.  Boo hoo.  Go get a concussion and you’ll forget all about it.  The rest of the segment is spent with him teaching his partner slang that has been in the pop culture mainstream for several years.

Hines can dance, but I’m only rooting for him so that I can continue to watch his partner.  The two annoying judges are rooting for him because they both think he’s dreamy.

My score: Dude’s for real, yo.