Start April Off With Charlize Theron's Shocking Sex Tape!

Oh happy, happy April 1! Let's start this month off right, you happy little horn-dogs: someone hacked happily away like a machete-wielding, manic-depressive clown and struck sexy, sexy gold.

Someone did a little rummaging through Oscar winner and "Snow White and the Huntsman" star Charlize Theron's ill-secured phone and found the private sex tape fodder the world has awaited since she went crazy and got naked in "The Devil's Advocate".

We have absolutely no reason to doubt this authenticity. None whatsoever. Our trusted Funny Or Die source sold us that piece of Christ's cross that time we ran across him in a dark back alley, and threw in the guarantee that he'd give us the family-size sack of magic beans if we could ever prove it fake. To this day, we stand by our investment.

Mercifully, it's all either pre or post-"Monster", so this is fit, trim, statuesque Theron at her best. And wow, does she let the "Freak" flag fly.

Let this video go to show you, folks: it's dangerous to go it alone on the Internet today. Keep your wits about you.

Our source had to be a bit of a killjoy and disabled embedding for the video, but fear not: it's available right here.