'The Bachelorette' Season 7 Finale Episode Recap

It’s been less than 24 hours. The finale has already been called “stunning.” It absolutely is ... if you can’t read.

Tabloids and gossip sites the world over have been spoiling the so-called surprise ending of "The Bachelorette" for weeks, but we're not going to do that to you. You may very well not leave your house, or pick up a paper, or turn on your computer, or may not have wanted anything to do with this Ashley Hebert character until now.

Really, there are all kinds of reasons you might not know who Ashley picked as her not-so-lucky guy by now...

See? Wayne’s illiterate. Wayne’s stunned.

This Is the End

Many men came and battled. Many left bruised, beaten, defeated. ABC flew one to Taipei on their dime because spectacularly unbalanced Oompa Loompa Ashley Hebert couldn’t get it through her skull that he didn’t like it, hence he didn’t put a ring on it and bolted back to Utah.

Still another was flown to Fiji because a prime-time dumping similarly left something about Ashley’s feelings to the imagination, apparently – proving that either your stupidity or someone else’s can always be ridden to personal gain.

Still two more bachelors just eventually said “Screw this noise!” and flew home, where they probably found more fulfilling, longer-lasting relationships with take-out Chinese and a stick a piece of Doublemint Gum.

Nevertheless, two men entered Blunderdome. And when all the dust cleared, it was the one, the only, the shaven-headed J.P. Rosenbaum left with Ashley’s hand instead of California winemaker Ben F.

To his credit, instead of swapping out the rest of Ashley and making the hand into a back-scratcher, ABC has reported that she’s already accepted his proposal. Dreams do come true! And next season, who’s to say? Maybe next season, it’ll be this dingbat sitting down with man-pal Chris Harrison to talk all about how being on a two-month-long prime-time reality show didn’t prepare her at all for millions across America watching her and J.P.’s every move.

In any case, take it away, Chris Harrison!

Ben F. tells us that he never dreamed he would make it this far, with a woman unlike any he believed he’d ever meet. Ashley says it’s the day when all her dreams could come true. J.P. believes he’s found the one with whom he can share the rest of his life, and hopes she doesn’t break his heart.

We’re once more in Fiji, and for all the heartache and missteps and blunders, Ashley brings it all full-circle and tells us she’ll leave with no regrets – she just doesn’t know yet if she’ll choose the easy comfort she says she feels with Ben or the her unprecedented passion shared with J.P. And hey, guess what? What better time to meet a gal’s family than the week the guy may or may not propose?

Ashley says she’s counting on her family to help her make a lot of tough decisions at this crucial point in her life. Today, Ashley tells her stepdad Mike, mom Laurie, brother Elliot and sister Chrystie, they’ll be meeting J.P., who’s outgoing, funny, successful and gives Ashley a “burning passion” that can’t be cured, but whose outbreaks can be treated. Ben, meanwhile, is fun and outgoing but has his serious side, as well. She tells her family gleefully that, yes, she’s in love with both and no, she hasn’t decided which one she’ll marry.

Her family tells her they’re more than happy to meddle . . . er, “help.”

J.P. comes strolling up the beach, shoes in one hand and bottle of wine in the other, confident that Ashley’s family can’t miss how happy the two are and certain that they’re as good as off to the chapel. Unfortunately, it’s a rare moment this season when J.P. doesn’t get off on the right foot and though Mama Hebert tells J.P. he’s welcome in their family, Ashley’s sister Chrystie tells both Ashley and him separately that seeing the two together, she just doesn’t see a happy marriage for her sibling. Understandably, J.P. tells us that he never saw that “bullsh$%” coming.

Bubba, if you can’t see bullsh&* flying at you by this point, when will you? When its mid-air trajectory toward your noggin is projected in high-definition on a Jumbotron before your very eyes? This whole season could’ve been re-titled “Bull%^$: A Retrospective of Love.”

J.P. told them it was all a wild experience, and that he started falling in love from that first P.J.-party date. Ashley’s family charmed his, who have rarely met a girlfriend of his, and he told them that it feels 100-percent real to him.

So, with things once more not going remotely as Ashley had planned, how does she react?

How exactly do you think she reacted?

Is it just me, or does it speak volumes that her sister straight-up tells her, “I’m more rational than you”? True, my cocker spaniel is more rational than this orange goblin, but still . . .

Oh, and since she predictably mutters at the end of her bawling rant “I don’t know what to do” and says she’s “confused,” that’s good enough that if you’ve made a drinking game of this like I have, you can take a swig right now. Of course, you’d have done a shot if she’d bellowed “I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DOOOO THIIIIIIIIS!?!?!” Meanwhile, Elliot and Mike remind Ashley that while Chrystie is making a snap judgment without really talking to J.P. beforehand and while even Laurie is a little skeptical despite welcoming him already into the family, neither really has all the facts and Ashley needs to go with her gut.

It’s obvious the reports on everything that’s happened so far never reached him. Otherwise, he’d have never suggested his daughter’s gut instincts were worth a damn in the first place.

When she sat down and talked with J.P., she told him that she just didn’t see the chemistry. It all comes down, to her, just to the fact that when she asked Ashley if he made her laugh, she didn’t emphatically answer “YES!” J.P. says that it’s about more than that, including the fact that the two always make each other smile. She, in turn, tells him that it’s a little sketchy to her that someone so much older hasn’t found someone already and is messing around with her little sister. Quite frankly, she doesn’t think J.P. is man enough for Ashley.

Didn’t get brought up to speed on the kickboxing endeavor, did she?

Chrystie even went so far as to tell J.P. that she saw Ashley happier with Brad Womack.

J.P. says he expected questions, not an overt statement.

“To come so far only to have something like this blow it up, I’m mad. This is something amazing that she totally ruined,” J.P. said.

Ashley tells him that whatever her sister says, the family overall loved her. Still, he’s fearing her sister’s opinion’s impact on Ashley. He even tells her about the remark about Brad. J.P. was disappointed that she didn’t come to his defense immediately and blow off her sister’s opinions.

“Now that there’s only a date and a proposal in this entire journey, to have her questioning things now, that’s the worst timing. If today changes her mind about me, then I’m definitely not proposing.”

Well, now Ben’s up in the big leagues, and baby, it’s his turn at bat. On her way to meet up with him, Ashley’s all “I wish that bi$%^ would get on her bullsh^& again!” Although, you know . . . said the way a neurotic white girl would say it. Not exactly Mo’nique.

How’d the conversation beforehand go with her sister, though?

Well . . . believe it or not, she threw her sister going ga-ga over Bentley back in Ashley’s face.

Ben comes walking up to meet Ashley, and – OK, what is it with these two this week and carrying shoes? Is that a Fijian thing? Feet, guys. They go on feet. Not hands.

Ashley feels thrown for a loop and worried about her sister’s actions again, but she’s putting on a brave face with Ben. He tells her family that the spark really all started with the two painting a mural together on the group date, and just blossomed from there. It probably made a much better impression on Christy that Ashley described him as “so goofy and crazy.” After all, goofy and crazy equals funny . . . or just this bizarre little over-compensating outburst.

Run, Ben. Run NAO. Ashley . . . re-think letting Gollum here near your One Ring.

Still . . . Ashley’s optimistic that . . . that might have won them over. Christy gives Ben the Third Degree, but Ben takes it pretty well in stride. He tells her that he’s thought things through very carefully, but that he knows this is what he wants. Christy tells him she’s pleased to see Ashley so excitable. And likewise, Ben says he’s ready to make Ashley his wife. That’s enough for tough-and-tattooed Chrystie’s approval.

If the spoilers hadn’t already leaked several times over, you’d never have guessed from their last date that it was ultimately J.P. that she chose. By the time her last date with Ben rolls around, Ashley tells us that she’s feeling completely at-ease . . . and if that little spaz-out during the parental meeting was any indication, there’s little guessing what that could mean for Ben.

Seriously . . . THE HELL??

Somewhere, Constantine is probably just pissed that it was Ben taking the helicopter tour of Fiji. It’s not because he misses Ashley, but, you know . . . . Helicopter . . . . WHEEEEEE!

Ashley tells us outright that she considers Ben the perfect guy for her, and that she’s taking him for a healing mud-bath together.

“Normally, you wouldn’t think there’s anything sexy about mud at all, until you get into a big mud pit with someone you’re extremely attracted to,” Ben says.

That might very well be the new quote of the season.

Ashley tells us that she does indeed find the mud not just sexy, but dare we say, sex-ayyyy. Ben also throws in that he just loves getting all “lubed up” with that naughty, nasty mud, and that he’s got a great feeling about everything right now.

Betcha do, champ.

Over dinner, Ben decides it’s the right moment for the one thing he’s held off telling Ashley so far. “I don’t say it often, and when I say it, I mean,” he says. “This is the best feeling I’ve ever had about a woman. I love her.”

He tells her that he got her folks’ permission to propose to her – and that they gave it. And finally, he says, “There have been many moments where I wanted to tell you that I love you. I never expected this in a million years.”

Later, it’s time for J.P. last date, and here he comes, walking up the beach . . . getting the funniest looks from everyone he meets . . . because once more, with the shoes thing! Feet, men! Feet! They go on feet!

J.P. tells her that he hated being apart from her, and Ashley tells us that her sister’s thoughts didn’t change the way she felt about him, but it did give her pause. They relive that conversation again, and J.P. says he’s still at a loss at reaching that judgment after 15 minutes. She asks J.P. if what she said made him think, and he tells her, “No, because I think she’s wrong.”

It caught Ashley off-guard, having to explain their relationship. She tells J.P. that she wants a dynamic relationship where two people never stop learning and loving more about each other.

Ultimately, though, J.P. tells her, “When it comes to you, I’m flexible on everything. You have to keep your fire going, you’ve got to do your things. That’s what I want. I want us to start a new life together.”

Well, there we have it. Whatever it is exactly Ashley wants, she’s got it either way. Both men have said they’re ready to propose. Both picked out their engagement rings. Both say they know that they could leave heartbroken.

And for better or worse, Ashley tells us, she’s glad for everything that happened. It’s time.

Let the clip speak for itself.

And in sharp contrast, here’s the poor engaged happiest girl in the world’s big moment.

Well, that's it, folks. It's been great fun recapping this entire season. Until next season, remember: people are not houses, and it's OK for a woman to be an idiot, as long as she'll tickle your pickle.