Ep 2. Mutilation Ball

Captain's Log, date unknown, because Gus didn't flip the calendar - again. It's so damn hard for a guy to watch a big mutilation ball game in peace. If it ain't T'Nuk whining 'cause she didn't get to buy some piece o' crap dolly off the shopping channel, or Six and Gus giving me their "we're so superior to sports" gripefest, it's Commander Adam of the Confederation beaming onto my ship and ordering me, at gunpoint, to commit crimes that he's too much of a pansy to commit himself.Basically, the hero of the Confederation Cougars mutilation ball team used to be a jock named Malak. Adam demanded that we kidnap Malak out of retirement in time for the Cougars' big game against the Dark Clowns. While I could, of course, have booted Adam off my ship with a testicular roundhouse kick, I generously decided to help the Confederation stomp the Dark Clowns. After all, my bookie would cough up big time if I bet on the no-hope Cougars and won.I boldly led my crew to the coordinates Adam gave us. There I penetrated Malak's defenses and beamed him aboard, no mess and no fuss. Not long afterward, that horny harpy T'Nuk seized a tender moment alone with the prisoner and, while molesting him, accidentally pulled a Lorena Bobbit. But instead of bleeding, shrieking and making sleazy talk-show appearances, Malak died with a bundle of made-in-Japan cables sticking out of his crotch. He was a frickin' android!