Watch South Park Online - Full Episodes

Things at the water park are not what they seem. The boys' fun filled day is about to turn deadly. Events are in play at Splash Town that signal the end of the world is upon us. Cartman tries to warn everyone but no one will listen. Disaster is about to strike and the boys are in a race to survive.

Eric Cartman seizes the opportunity when he takes over the morning announcements. His target is South Park Elementary's Student Body President, Wendy Testaburger. Cartman is asking the tough questions and attracting many followers.

Everyone agrees they've had enough of the loud and obnoxious bikers that have arrived in South Park. The boys are taking on the Harley Riders. They have to throw down the F word and the game is on.

Stan and his family are spending his birthday at the Denver Aquarium where they will get to swim with the dolphins. Things turn bloody when the Japanese attack, kill all the dolphins and ruin Stan’s big day. There seems to be no end to the senseless killing. Stan takes on the cause to save the dolphins from the Japanese.

After attending their first WWE match, all the boys want to be professional wrestlers.

Butters has made it all the way to the 4th grade without ever kissing a girl. All of his friends have been teasing him mercilessly. Butters is determined to catch up with the rest of the boys in his class. Meanwhile, one overly dedicated cop wages war on Prostitution in South Park.

Powerful forces are tormenting Ike. He's freaked out and the stress could kill him. Kyle and the boys are doing everything they can to save him but the poltergeists won't leave Ike alone. - via South Park Studios

Butters and a small group of recruits join Cartman in his dream of living on Skull Island where they will frolic in crystal clear waterfalls and discover buried treasure. Cartman promises that paradise awaits if they can just get to Somalia.

It's Pinewood Derby time in South Park, while working on the Derby car, Randy has come up with a plan for Stan to win first place.

Cartman decides to help Jimmy with his comedy routine. Everyone loves the new joke they come up with. The joke starts to take off and it even hits all the late night talk shows. The boys are thrilled with how popular it’s become until somebody tries to take all the credit.

Someone played an April Fools joke on the boys and it didn't go over well. Butters is incapacitated, Cartman is furious and the rest of the boys are afraid someone might do it again.

While the entire town is busy pointing fingers over who's to blame for the economy, Randy steps forward with a solution for the financial woes. With everyone in town helping, they all start to live without any economy at all. Elsewhere, the ultimate sacrifice is made by an unlikely savior in a bid to fix the town's problems.

A vigilante rises from the trash and attempts to wipe out crime in the town of South Park.

Thinking it's his way into her heart and other body parts, Kenny takes his new girlfriend to a Jonas Brothers concert. His dream of taking their relationship to the next level is crushed when the Jonas Brothers give them purity rings.

Butters is sure he's seen a vampire at school but he can't get anyone to listen to him. Meanwhile, the Goth Kids are angry and frustrated when the other kids can't tell the difference between a Goth and a Vampire.

Stan realizes he could lose Wendy if he doesn’t get on board with the latest fad to hit South Park Elementary. Cartman would rather kill himself than succumb. But, when Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman all realize that Butters is now more popular than they are, they have no choice but to give in to peer pressure.

A new President has been elected and the citizens of South Park are partying in the streets in an all-new episode of “South Park.” While the country celebrates, the President-elect catches everyone off guard when he arrives at the White House prematurely. From the Oval Office, the new Commander-In-Chief assembles his team and prepares for the job ahead.

This week, the boys are lost in the Andes Mountains where they discover the startling secret behind the attack of the giant guinea pigs. The boys now have the power to rescue their town and the rest of the world from the onslaught but the Head of Homeland Security stands firmly in their way. Meanwhile, Randy bravely documents the destruction while trying to save his family.

The boys find a way to make money off an international crisis that requires no talent and very little effort. Cartman convinces the other boys to invite Craig to get in on their latest plan. He knows Craig has just what it takes to make their dream a reality.

Wendy gets in trouble when she threatens to beat up Cartman after school. No matter how fired up Wendy is, all bets are on Cartman. Everybody knows a girl can't fight a boy and win.

Cartman, worried that the Chinese have plans to invade America, forms the American Liberation Front in an attempt to prevent the impending takeover. After the support he's counting on fails, it's up to Butters and Cartman to confront the Chinese alone. Meanwhile Stan, Kyle, and the rest of the boys have trouble dealing with the recent rape of a close friend.

South Park Elementary has sent Mr. Garrison’s fourth grade class on a field trip to Pioneer Village, a historical reenactment town where all of the employees roleplay as if it were 1864. However, when Cartman discovers a Super Phun Thyme exists right next door, he forces Butters to sneak out of the complex so that the two of them can do something that is actually fun. Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse when a highly armed group of thieves burst into Pioneer Village.

When the citizens of South Park discover the Internet is gone, they can no longer function. After hearing a rumor, the Marsh family packs up and heads west in hope of finding Internet there. Much like the California Gold Rush, they soon find that they're not the only ones looking.

Despite receiving a sex change, the boys teacher Ms. Garrison still believes to be a man on the inside. With Garrison out searching for a way to become a man again, Cartman substitutes for the day. After the kids receive stellar test scores, Cartman is taken to an inner-city school to teach. But before he does that, he decides to change his appearance.

Canada has had enough. Lead by the World Canadian Bureau, the country enters a long and painful strike in hopes the rest of the world will meet their demands. As a result of the strike, the boys are not able to see new episodes of their favorite comedic duo, Terrance and Phillip. It's now up to them to help Canada and end the strike.

The newest drug craze hits South Park. It's called cheesing and the boys are afraid Kenny has become hooked on it after missing school. Meanwhile, Kyle is busted for holding onto contraband, which forces his father Gerald to come face to face with his "Heavy Metal" past.

While taking a vacation in the Colorado mountains near South Park, Britney Spears has a run-in with the boys. After an incident at a hotel room, they attempt to help Britney escape from the stressful celebrity lifestyle she lives by taking her to a place she can rest. But the boys soon learn the true nature of Britney's success and the powerful forces behind it.

The life of Eric Cartman will never be the same after going in for a routine tonsillectomy. A mishap at the hospital results in Cartman being diagnosed with an incurable disease, and with little support from his friends. Now he is determined to find a cure, even if it costs him all his toys.

When the boys discover the girls in their class have made a secret list that rates all of them from cutest to ugliest, they stop at nothing to see it. Once they do manage to gain possession of the list, they are shocked to see how they rank. The results are just too much for one of the boys to handle.

Stan and Kyle are great Guitar Hero partners, eventually hitting it big and becoming rock stars. But as it becomes clear that Kyle is only holding Stan back for even more success, their friendship is severally damaged when Kyle is replaced. As Stan becomes increasingly stressed out over an upcoming show, he looks for other methods to calm his nerves.

The thrilling conclusion to the Imaginationland Trilogy sees Butters embracing his role as the chosen one. As the evils of our imagination march to the safe haven of the land's inhabitants, the Council of Nine prepare themselves for the coming battle. Back in the real world, Kyle is recovering while Cartman patiently waits for him to finally make good on their bet.

As the horrors of Imaginationland run rampant, Stan and Kyle are taken deep into the Pentagon where they learn more of the terrorist attack and what the U.S. government plans to do about it. Meanwhile, a determined Cartman travels to Washington, still with dry balls.

It all begins when Cartman sees a leprechaun. Determined to prove Kyle wrong about their existence, and to capitalize on a bet with him, he forms a search team. Things get even more weird when Stan, Kyle, and the other boys find themselves traveling to an imaginary land on board a flying ship.

After a three-week constipation nightmare, Randy Marsh lets loose the biggest crap he's ever seen. He becomes a home-town hero overnight after the guys at the local bar see it. They convince him to contact Guinness and see if he has the world record. This doesn't go over well with the current record-holder Bono.

After encountering another boy with Tourette's syndrome, Cartman fakes having the neurological disorder so he can say whatever he wants. Realizing there are no longer limits to what can be said, Eric prepares himself to be broadcast uncensored on National television.

What starts with one bum asking for change, quickly becomes an infestation of the homeless all over South Park. The adults try to save their spare change by using force and reason, but the boys do a little research and find the ultimate solution to the city's growing problem.

After another failed relationship, Ms. Garrison takes out her frustration and anger at men on her fourth grade students. While the boys seek outside help with their homework assignment, their teacher makes a new friend who opens up her eyes to a completely new lifestyle.

When Stan questions the relationship between Easter Eggs, rabbits, Christ's death and resurrection, he finds himself drawn into an odd brotherhood that is protecting an ancient secret. With the help of Kyle, Jesus, and a man named Teabag, Stan must discover the secret and get a rabbit to the Vatican before it's too late.

When a new Islamic student joins the class, Cartman immediately assumes he's a terrorist. Putting together the pieces of a terrorist attack Jack Bauer-style, Cartman and Kyle must work together to uncover a sinister plot against Hillary Clinton - and learn that an old enemy of the United States still holds a grudge.

A South Park Elementary student is infested with head lice. The students want to know the name of the kid with the cooties, but Garrison won't reveal who it is. Accusations fly until Cartman devises a way to determine who has the bugs. Meanwhile, the lice do their best to survive the assault on their world.

Cartman tries to fix a prank he pulled on Butters but it only makes things worse for both of them. Butters' parents send him off to a camp that claims it can turn gay boys straight, but everyone there is a mess, so Butters tries to help them despite his own confusion. Meanwhile, Cartman shows a very disturbing photograph for 'Show and Tell.'

When Randy utters a racial slur on national television, it not only causes him to be shunned by society, it also strains Stan's friendship with Token. To help raise awareness of sensitivity to others, South Park Elementary brings in a "little person" as a guest speaker, but he finds himself in a fight with Cartman.

Stan finds himself in a bit of financial trouble when his bicycle is impounded, and has to take a job coaching Pee-Wee hockey to pay off the debt. Stan learns one of the players has cancer, and the only thing that might save him is if Stan can coach the team to victory. Unfortunately, he's facing a talentless group of players, a father who doesn't believe in him, and a ton of sports movie clichés.

Cartman is furious when his saviors in the future can't hook up the Nintendo Wii for him to play, so he makes a few phone calls to the past to try and prevent him from freezing himself. Of course, interfering with the past can drastically change the future, and Cartman may alter history forever. He also reveals a little secret that Ms. Garrison didn't want Richard Dawkins to know.

Ms. Garrison is upset when she is required to teach the theory of evolution to her class, but when she is replaced by scientist Richard Dawkins, the two of them form a special bond. Cartman has no patience waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to arrive, so he devises a plan to freeze himself so that he can pass the time more quickly. Despite help from Butters, things go horribly wrong.

It's nearly Halloween, and Satan decides he must throw the most amazing party ever seen. Satan's grandiose plans include the finest hotel, a long celebrity guest list, and a very special cake... that is, if The Three Murderers can deliver it on time. Meanwhile, the boys anger rapper Biggie Smalls by summoning him through their mirror.

Ike and his kindergarten teacher are having an affair, and Kyle is angry that no one seems interested in punishing the teacher for her crime. Meanwhile, Cartman has a new authoritative role: he's South Park Elementary's new hall monitor - a job he takes very seriously.

Cartman is convinced that there is a conspiracy behind the September 11th terrorist attacks, so he sets off to find the real culprit. Meanwhile, Mr. Mackey is wondering who went number 2 in the urinal of the men’s restroom. In order to get to the bottom of this, Mr. Mackey puts the Hardly Boys on the case. As it turns out, these two seemingly unrelated mysteries have intrinsic connections, all pointing to governmental involvement.

When an evil gamer begins to kill all the characters in World of Warcraft, the boys decide to join forces to take him down. Even Randy wants to get in on the action, much to Stan's dismay. Only a very special sword can help the boys defeat their powerful enemy.

Cartman's mom decides he's just too much to handle, so she hires a couple of television nannies to improve his behavior. When Cartman outsmarts them, she turns to a dog whisperer, who proves to be a tougher opponent than Cartman expected.

When the boys get mixed up with Al Gore's ManBearPig hunt, they become trapped in the Cave of Winds. While stuck inside, Cartman finds treasure and hides it from the other boys. A rescue team tries to help the boys, while Al Gore tries to put an end to ManBearPig.

Towelie tries to get his life in order and writes a book about his drug addiction. His book is endorsed by Oprah, which helps it to sell thousands of copies. Soon people find out an aspect of the book is false, and though they learn valuable lessons from the book, they still want to punish Towelie for lying to them.

Cartman reaches Family Guy studios first and learns the writers' secrets, and how to stop them. Kyle arrives soon after, and tries to stop Cartman's plan and save Family Guy and free speech. Soon, both boys are trying to persuade the president of FOX what to do.

Cartman and Kyle argue over the popular cartoon, Family Guy. Kyle loves the show, but Cartman hates it. When the show airs some controversial content, the boys go on a cross-country chase to Hollywood. The fate of the show could be in either Cartman's or Kyle's hands. Meanwhile the citizens of South Park try to form a plan to prevent a terrorist attack.

Kyle's dad buys a new hybrid car. This makes him feel smug, and he moves his family to San Francisco because people in South Park have no respect for the environment. To get Kyle back, Stan convinces people in South Park to buy hybrid cars, too. But when they do, it leads to extreme weather conditions in both San Francisco and South Park.

Chef returns to South Park and the whole town is excited. The boys notice there is something odd about him, and they soon learn he has been brainwashed into molesting children. The boys set out on a mission to free Chef from an outside influence.

Stan feels embarrassed when his father is arrested for drunk driving. Meanwhile, a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeds and people from all over embark on pilgrimages to see it, hoping to be healed by its power. Randy believes the bleeding statue can cure him of his alcoholism.

Fooled by a pair of practical joker sea-life trainers, Kyle convinces the other boys that they need to free a "talking" whale and allow him to be reunited with his family on the moon. The boys' plan to save the whale becomes more complex than they originally thought, and soon they are looking for places to hide the poor creature.

Stan becomes interested in Scientology, and the Scientologists try to convince him he is to be their new leader. Tom Cruise goes into Stan's closet and refuses to come out, and even denies the fact that he's in the closet. Even R. Kelly's desperate pleas won't convince Tom Cruise to come on out. Meanwhile, Stan's involvement in Scientology puts a strain on his friendship with Kyle.

Cartman gives an oral report on "Ginger Kids" - kids with red hair, fair skin, and freckles - and convinces the other students to shun them. Due to a little prank, Cartman himself becomes infected with "Gingervitus" and, upset by all the teasing he originally promoted, he convinces ginger kids to follow his lead and fight for "Red Power."

The children in Ms. Garrison's class are paired up to practice their parenting skills by taking care of eggs. Ms. Garrison realizes she still has feelings for Mr. Slave, who plans to marry Big Gay Al as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill. Ms. Garrison, broken-hearted, tries to stop the gay-marriage bill from passing.

The boys have reason to think that girls can see into the future. They decide that one of them must pretend to be a girl so they can obtain access to the girls' secret information. All they have to do is fake Butters' death, and then re-introduce him to the class as "the new girl." Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch believe their son is really dead.

Stan and Cartman crash a speedboat into a dam, flooding the neighboring town of Beaverton. Since neither of the boys admits what they've done, people blame everything from the president to global warming for the disaster. They spend so much time trying to assign blame, that they have no time to help the citizens of Beaverton.

Jimmy fears his sudden, uncontrollable erections will prevent him from participating in the school talent show. He goes to Butters for advice, who tells him he must put his penis in a girl's vagina before it will get soft again. Jimmy tries to accomplish this before the talent show begins.

The boys have had it with Cartman, and decide to ignore him completely. When everyone joins in, Cartman assumes he must be dead. Thinking that Butters is the only one who can see him, he figures he must repent for all his sins to pass on into the afterlife.

The baseball season is ending, and the boys are happy because none of them enjoys the game. When they realize there is a post-season league, they intentionally try to lose so they can stop playing. Randy gets drunk and violent with other parents, but there is one parent he may not be able to intimidate.

Kenny gets a new Sony PSP, and Cartman is jealous. When Kenny is hit by a truck, Cartman learns that Kenny left him the Sony PSP in his will. Unfortunately for Cartman, Kenny is now in a vegetative state. Stan and Kyle fight to keep Kenny alive, and Cartman fights to let him die. Meanwhile, Satan's army is trying to take heaven and only Kenny can save it.

Upon discovering that Token has an amazing singing voice, the boys want to become his agents so they can collect ten percent of his earnings. Soon, they are representing Wing, who is the wife of the owner of City Wok. The boys travel to California to get her a record deal, but next thing they know, they are in trouble with the Chinese Mafia.

Cartman finally decides to rid the world of hippies once and for all. He goes around town trying to exterminate them, but when the Mayor allows the hippies to hold a Woodstock-like concert in South Park, Cartman's plan becomes a lot more difficult then he originally thought.

Mr. Garrison feels like a woman trapped in a man's body, so he gets a sex-change operation, but Mr. Slave doesn't like it at all. Meanwhile, Kyle wants to become tall and black so he can play basketball, and tries to convince his parents to let him get a "negroplasty."

It's nearly Christmas, and Stan stumbles upon several little woodland critters in the forest. They want him to build a manger so a porcupine can give birth to their Savior, but he soon discovers that they actually worship Satan. Stan needs to stop the animal Antichrist from being born, and also stop Kyle from being its human host.

Cartman suffers a head injury after trying to fly from his roof. While he is in the hospital, the police think that Cartman's trauma might have made him psychic, and they want him to help them catch a serial killer. Despite Cartman's bad suggestions, the detectives believe his gift is real. Meanwhile, Kyle tries to prove that Cartman's psychic powers are fake.

Paris Hilton visits South Park to promote her merchandise. When her little dog commits suicide, she wants to keep Butters as her new pet. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton's influence causes all the girls in town to act like whores, and only Wendy doesn't like it.

The boys (along with Butters, Jimmy, and Token) start a school news show but it does poorly in the ratings. The students prefer Craig's show, which features close up shots of animals. Though the boys try to improve their show with gossip and gimmicks, they find better luck by taking a little cough syrup.

The boys find out that a former classmate, Trent Boyett, is being released from juvenile detention where he was serving time for arson. No one knows that the boys had something to do with the fire, and Trent wants his revenge. When he comes looking for them, they decide they need some protection.

A new Wall-Mart store is built in South Park, and everyone is excited about the great bargains. Stan notices that the local small businesses are suffering, but the townspeople are too bargain-obsessed to care. The boys try to find the store's weakness and shut it down.

PETA protests the fact that South Park Elementary has a cow for its mascot, so they school must choose a new one. Kyle thinks the new mascot should be a "Giant Douche," while Cartman feels it should be a "Turd Sandwich." When Stan doesn't want to vote, Puff Daddy tries to help Stan see the light, but not in a friendly way.

Immigrants from the future time-travel to the present looking for work. When the boys lose their snow shoveling operation, and hundreds of other people begin losing their jobs due to these “Goobacks," they look for ways to stop the influx of immigrants. The redneck men of South Park discover an especially creative solution to the problem.

Mr. Jefferson and his son, Blanket, move into South Park. When Blanket invites the boys into his home to play, they are happy to enjoy all the toys, but Kyle feels sorry for Blanket. Since Mr. Jefferson is a rich black man, the police want to frame him for a horrible crime, while ignoring the fact that he may actually be committing other ones.

Cartman disguises himself as a robot to fool Butters into revealing embarrassing secrets, but he discovers that Butters also has some embarrassing information about him. Cartman’s disguise is good enough to fool several movie producers and the military, and they all want to use him for personal or political gain.

A group of kids from out of town challenges the boys to a dance contest. Stan is the only one who will accept the challenge, and he sets out to find four more dancers to help him win back his honor. He wants Butters to join his dance group, but Butters has been hiding a dark secret about his dancing days.

Each of the boys sees the film, The Passion of the Christ, and each reacts to it differently. Cartman wants to punish the Jews for their role in Christ’s death, Kyle questions his faith in Judaism, and Stan and Kenny visit Mel Gibson in Malibu to get their money back.

Jimmy and Timmy are preparing to participate in the Special Olympics, but Jimmy thinks maybe his training isn’t enough. While Jimmy tries steroids to improve his performance, Cartman pretends to be mentally challenged in order to compete and win a cash prize. Kyle and Timmy both try to stop their friends from cheating, but neither has any success.

The boys buy ninja weapons, and when they won't allow Butters to play with them, he re-emerges as his alter-ego, Professor Chaos. Of course, an anime-style battle ensues, and soon Butters gets a ninja star in the eye. The boys must figure out how to remove it without getting in even more trouble.

Because of a new Prime Minister and a new Canadian law, Ike's birth parents arrive in South Park and take him back to Canada. The Broflovskis are so sad, that Kyle and the boys travel to Canada to get Ike back. Once they arrive, they must go on a Wizard of Oz-like journey to reach the Prime minister and fight for Ike's return.

When Wendy dumps Stan, the guys try to cheer him up by taking him to "Raisins", a Hooters-like establishment with perky waitresses. Butters falls for one of the waitresses who flirts with him to earn bigger tips. Stan is still depressed, and becomes a Goth to try and get over Wendy.

An anti-smoking campaign group comes to South Park Elementary. The boys hate the dorky musical performance so much, that they decide to take up smoking just to avoid growing up to be like the performers. When Mr. Mackey catches them smoking, they have to answer to their parents, and to Rob Reiner.

A new kid joins the class, and he's a Mormon. Stan goes over to beat him up, but instead, they end up having dinner together. Stan sees how happy the Mormon family is, and questions his own family's faith. Randy assumes the Mormons are trying to convert his son, and decides he needs to kick a little ass. Soon Randy gets sucked into the hypnotic tales of Joseph Smith.

Kyle is allowed to take three friends to Casa Bonita (the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants) and he chooses to take Butters over Cartman. Cartman tries to be nice and suck up to Kyle, and at the same time, he does his best to prevent Butters from being able to go.

South Park experiences a series of accidents caused by senior citizens and their poor driving skills. When the seniors are treated like children, and are forced to give up their driver's licenses, they fight back with the assistance of the AARP.

The boys form a band, but are having trouble finding their identity as a group. Cartman suggests they become a Christian band, but Kyle vetoes that idea. They bet ten dollars to see who can get a platinum album first. Cartman forms his Christian band with Butters and Token, while Kyle and the other boys download music off the Internet and get arrested.

The "Metrosexual" look arrives in South Park, and all the guys are trying it. Kyle is the only one who doesn't feel comfortable with it, and he loses friends and gets beaten up for not embracing the new look. Kyle thinks his only solution is to kill the creators of the new fad - the men from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

The owners of the Three Feathers Indian Casino want to purchase South Park, forcing the residents out of their homes. The boys encourage the whole town to work together to fight them off, staging a sit-in. To get the residents out of the way, the Indians give them blankets contaminated with SARS, and Stan must find a cure to save the town.

The boys play "junior detectives" to earn a little money. The boys solve the case of a missing doll, and the police are so impressed that they make the boys real detectives, assigning them to bust a meth lab. Meanwhile, poor Butters tries to provide a semen sample for evidence in a case.

Cartman dresses up his hand to look like a Jennifer Lopez puppet for a presentation on Latinos in the arts. However, after he wins an award, he keeps up the act. The puppet goes on to replace the real Jennifer Lopez, scoring a music deal and stealing her boyfriend, Ben Affleck. Naturally, this enrages Kyle.

The boys are assigned a group history project on the founding fathers of our nation. Cartman doesn't want to do any work so he tries to have a flashback to 1776, which instead results in a trip to the hospital. Meanwhile, war supporters and protesters are fighting in the streets of South Park, and they eventually divide the town in half.

When the art teacher makes the boys stay after school for being rude in class, they TP her home. Afterwards, Kyle feels guilty and wants to confess, but Cartman won't allow it. Officer Barbrady investigates the crime with the help of a vandal named Josh, who wants something in return for his assistance.

When Christopher Reeve's appearance in South Park draws a bigger crowd than Jimmy's stand-up act, Jimmy is angry. He and Timmy want to start a club for people who have been crippled since birth. They join The Crips, thinking it's a group for crippled people, and get involved in a gang war. Meanwhile, Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman struggle through a battle of their own.

The boys start feeling a sense of deja-vu, as if they're repeating the episode "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe." Chef takes Cartman and the boys to the proctologist, where Cartman's dormant anal probe suddenly becomes activated. Soon, the boys find themselves chatting with a giant taco and trying to save a universal reality show.

Cartman wants a particular toy this Christmas, but he knows he won't get it because he's been too naughty. He realizes he's going to have to do something extra special to get on the good list, so he creates a plan to bring Christmas to Iraq. With the help of Mr. Hankey, Santa agrees to visit Iraq, but his sleigh is shot down. It's up to Jesus Christ to save Santa Claus.

Stan's future self appears, and Stan is mortified to learn that in the future, he's a total loser. When he sees that Butters also met a future self, he becomes suspicious. When Stan feels the need for revenge on those who fooled him, Cartman comes up with a shocking plan.

Cartman's body cannot contain Kenny's soul much longer, so Chef and the boys looks for ways to remove Kenny's presence. They go to New York to see a medium, but discover he's a fake - only Kyle believes in him. Stan sets out to prove that the medium is the "Biggest Douche in the Universe". Meanwhile, Chef takes Cartman to Scotland and visits his parents, who try to free Cartman of Kenny's soul.

Mr. Garrison tries to get fired from teaching fourth grade with the help of his new "assistant," Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison pushes the boundaries of tolerance as far as he can, by inserting a gerbil into Mr. Slave's ass, right in front of the children. Meanwhile when the boys say their teacher is acting really gay in class, their parents send them to Tolerance Camp.

Randy and Sharon give the boys a videotape of Lord of the Rings to take over to Butters, but the tape was accidentally switched with a porno movie, and Butters watches it. The parents send the boys to get the dirty tape back, but everyone seems to want it, including Butters and a group of sixth graders. The boys then undertake an epic quest to return the movie to the video store.

The boys win a candy shopping spree, but since Kenny actually had the winning ticket, they go to visit his remains to try and find it. Not finding the ticket there, the boys try to build a ladder to heaven in order to see Kenny. The government sees the potential to exploit this, and quickly gets involved. Meanwhile, Cartman begins seeing things through Kenny's eyes.

Tweek's parents become concerned about child abduction, and though they try to teach him how to be safe, they're afraid they have failed. Other parents become concerned as well, and soon the whole town is taking drastic measures to prevent child abduction, even going so far as to erect a wall around the town of South Park.

The children finally return to school for the first time after Ms. Choksondik's tragic death. Bebe has begun to develop physically since the last time they've seen her, and the boys make fools of themselves over her, without really understanding why. This makes Wendy jealous, so she sets out to do something about it.

The boys are upset that movie producers are re-editing their favorite films. They form a group dedicated to fight this injustice, promising free hats to whoever attends the first meeting. However, the people who show up for the meeting are there for a different cause, so the two groups decide to help each other out. The boys try to convince George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to leave Raiders of the Lost Ark alone.

A retreat is being held for Catholic children, but the parents, concerned about priests molesting their children, won't let them go. The parents decide to abandon their religion and become Atheists. Meanwhile, Cartman thinks that if you eat from your butt, you will crap out your mouth, and puts his theory to the test.

Butters, in his alter-ego as Professor Chaos, develops an evil scheme to block out the sun, but finds out that The Simpsons already did it. Every evil plan he comes up with was already used on The Simpsons, driving him to insanity. Meanwhile, Cartman orders some "sea people" to nurture his dreams of a different reality, but he is disappointed when he finds out what they really are. When he mixes his sea people with another ingredient, a very unusual thing happens.

Butters is fired as Kenny's replacement, and the boys hold "auditions" in the style of The Bachelor for the new fourth friend. Butters, feeling rejected by the group, decides to become an evil super-villain, and tries to wreak havoc wherever he goes.

The boys are running from house to house trying to find an available TV to watch the new Terrence and Phillip movie trailer. Unfortunately, they also have to sit through the Russell Crowe Show, buy tampons for Shelley, and hang out with old people. Meanwhile, Chef's TV is going crazy.

The boys take a field trip to a local cattle farm and learn where veal comes from. They are horrified at how the baby cows are treated, so they steal them and hide them in Stan's room. As the boys wage their protest, they are treated as terrorists and a negotiator is brought in. Soon, Stan refuses to eat any meat, and he develops a very mysterious illness.

The boys watch a daytime talk show featuring disfigured people. They notice that the guests on the show are given prizes, so they disguise Butters as a disfigured person so they can get prizes too. Cartman also goes on the show, as a troubled child.

The Stotch family invites the Marsh and Broflovski families, plus Cartman, to Aspen with them for a free trip. All the parents must do is attend a time-share presentation, but they find themselves trapped in presentation hell. The boys go out on the bunny slope for lessons, where Stan is harassed by the local ski bully.

South Park becomes obsessed with Jared, the guy who lost a lot of weight eating at Subway restaurants, and they are shocked to learn he had help from aides. Of course, they think he meant "AIDS" and they are furious with him. Meanwhile, the boys fatten up Butters so he can lose weight eating Chinese food, just like Jared did with Subway.

Butters wants his parents to have a nice wedding anniversary, which is coming up in a few days. His mom asks him to spy on his father to find out what he's getting her for an anniversary gift, but Butters discovers that his dad goes to some very disturbing places. His mom is shocked, and decides to take drastic measures to make things right again.

Kenny develops a terminal illness and is incredibly sick. All the boys react differently to this - Kyle stays by Kenny's bedside, Stan avoids seeing him because he doesn't want to see him suffer, and Cartman seeks a cure using stem cells. When a truckload of aborted fetuses falls into Cartman's possession, he lobbies Congress to make it legal to use them for research.

The other students tease Token because his family is wealthy. Feeling out of place, he convinces several rich celebrities to move to South Park. Even while playing with his new rich friends, he still feels out of place, so he moves into the lion den at the zoo. The South Park residents are uncomfortable with all the new wealthy celebrities, and try to drive them out of town.

Kyle's annoying cousin (who is also named Kyle) comes to visit, and Kyle is concerned that Cartman will make fun of his cousin's very stereotypical Jewish traits. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison becomes enraged at the airlines, so he invents a new and unusual method of transportation.

Kenny plays a practical joke during school photo day, and Cartman takes it a step further. The joke causes a couple from Wisconsin to arrive in South Park, looking for their long lost son. Cartman sees something which causes him to laugh so hard that he actually loses his sense of humor.

Ms. Choksondik has her each of her students send a dollar to children in Afghanistan. Soon, Stan receives a goat in return. Deciding to take the goat back, the boys find themselves aboard a ship to Afghanistan, where they are taken hostage. It's up to the children of Afghanistan to save them.

Stan's mom buys the boys a new video game system and they are looking forward to playing it all weekend. When Kyle mentions he can't hang out with them because he'll be swimming with his family, a talking towel named "Towelie" appears. All Towelie wants to do is give towel advice and get high. Soon the government gets involved, and seems very interested in Towelie.

Fifth graders teach Cartman how to "milk" a dog, and when Stan tries it in front of his parents, they assume it means kids aren't learning proper sex education in school. Mr. Mackey teaches the boys, while Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls, but because the two instructors are so clueless, the kids become terrified of sex. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik find themselves attracted to each other.

Cartman inherits a large sum of money from his grandmother and uses it to buy an amusement park. He doesn't allow anyone else into the park, because he doesn't want to wait in line for the rides. Meanwhile, Kyle questions God's purpose in bestowing such good fortune upon a person as selfish as Cartman.

The boys are supposed to participate in an "Earth Day Brain Washing Festival," but instead go to see a live-action Terrance and Phillip show under the guise of asking them to perform at the Earth Day event. When they get there, Terrance looks terrible and Phillip is an impostor. The boys have to get Terrance and Phillip back together, but it will not be an easy task.

Scott Tenorman tricks Cartman into buying his pubes, and Cartman is furious at being deceived. Time after time Scott outsmarts him, until finally Cartman cooks up the ultimate plan for revenge.

The boys see magician David Blaine perform, then attend his workshop and camp, and basically join a cult in which Blaine is the leader. Stan is the only one who isn't enchanted by Blaine. Stan asks Jesus for help in showing his friends the truth, and Jesus calls "The Super Best Friends" for more support.

Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Timmy, and Butters join the scouts, and their troop leader is Big Gay Al. At a scout meeting the boys get to know Jimmy, a boy with physical disabilities and a stutter. Timmy is jealous of Jimmy, and they get in a fight. Meanwhile, the community worries about having a gay scout leader, and fires Big Gay Al.

When a dirty word is used on television, everyone begins to say it, and soon people become deathly ill. Chef and the boys find a link between the two events and, with the help of ancient knights, try to stop networks from broadcasting the word on TV.

When Mr. Hankey doesn't show up at Christmas time, the boys track him down and see he's lost his faith. The boys are determined to restore the Christmas spirit through a cartoon they make. Mr. Hankey struggles to get the old drive-in cleaned up so the boys can use it for their cartoon, and gets his family to help.

Kyle's parents forbid him to go to a concert, so on Cartman's advice he calls the police and tells them his parents molested him. The other kids notice Kyle enjoying the freedom he has with his parents in jail, so they all do the same. Soon, the adults are all in jail and the town is controlled by children - something that is very spooky to a couple whose car breaks down in South Park.

Cartman is sent to Fat Camp, and returns home looking slim and fit, but one else at Fat Camp is losing any weight. Kenny eats disgusting things for money, and because he is willing to do crazy stunts, he gets his own television show. Mrs. Crabtree's uterus becomes the setting for an unusual pay-per-view event.

Pip gets a job at the Havesham Estate and meets Estella, the girl of his dreams. Estella continuously rejects Pip, so he goes to London to become a gentleman. When he returns to the estate, he learns that Estella is part of a plan to get revenge on the male race.

The fourth grade class is preparing a Thanksgiving play about Helen Keller. They want to out-perform the kindergarten class, so they feel pressure to produce a spectacular musical. Timmy chooses a "special" turkey (named Gobbles) to perform with him, and they form a close bond - but the professional turkey that the theater director hires refuses to work with Gobbles.

Cartman gets a fancy new Trapper Keeper, and finds himself stalked by a man who appears to be Bill Cosby. The boys learn the Trapper Keeper has evil plans to take over the world by linking to computer systems. Meanwhile, Ike begins kindergarten, but his class has difficulties electing a class president.

When the boys finally get to fourth grade, they begin to feel nostalgic for third grade. They get a couple of college students to morph Timmy's wheelchair into a time machine so they can go back. Meanwhile the new fourth grade teacher, Ms.Choksondik, seeks Mr. Garrison's advice for dealing with the boys, and Mr. Garrison attempts to come to terms with his own sexuality.

The boys start their own church to save everyone, with Cartman as the preacher. Kenny calls Cartman from Mexico, but Cartman thinks he's calling from hell, so he writes a sermon about it to inspire fear. Jesus is upset that Cartman is taking advantage of people. Back in hell, Satan is having more trouble with Saddam and Chris, so he goes to God for advice.

When Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are in church, they learn that to avoid hell, you must confess your sins. This frightens the boys, and they are concerned that since Timmy can only say his own name, he won't be able to confess and go to heaven. When they find out the priest is completely immoral, the kids decide to save themselves. Meanwhile, Satan agonizes over his choice to either stay with Chris or get back together with Saddam.

Cartman and the boys put together a boy band called "Fingerbang." When Stan's dad hears about the musical group, he tries to prevent Stan from being a part of it. As Stan tries to figure out why his dad is acting so strangely, the rest of the guys wait for him at the mall where they're late for their first gig.

Chef thinks the South Park flag is racist and should be changed, but Jimbo claims the flag should be kept and valued for its history. Chef becomes so angry that he converts to Islam and changes his name. When the school gets in on the debate, Wendy and Cartman are assigned to work together. Oddly, Wendy becomes attracted to Cartman.

Kyle becomes sick and needs a kidney transplant, but his mother is convinced that natural cures from a New Age store are better. Kyle's condition gets worse, and it turns out that the only person who is a compatible kidney donor for Kyle is Cartman, and Cartman's not letting his kidney go without a fight. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison is on forced leave from the school, and sets out to write a romance novel.

Cartman thinks he is too mature for his friends, so logs onto the Internet to find some adult companionship. He joins the North American Man Boy Love Association, and soon has an older friend who is looking for a "special" relationship with him. Not to be outdone, the other boys soon find older friends, too. Kenny discovers that his mom is pregnant, and tries to make her have an abortion.

The boys see the Contorting Quintuplets from Romania perform, and they are impressed by the amount of money an act like this brings in, so they try to start their own circus. Soon, the quints and their grandmother defect and are invited to stay at Stan's house. In the meantime, Kenny takes singing lessons and becomes famous in Romania.

Mr. Garrison's class gets a new student named Timmy. Not realizing Timmy is handicapped, Mr. Mackey suspects he has ADD and excuses him from school work. When the other kids see this, they claim to have ADD too. Soon, every kid in South Park is on Ritalin. Timmy becomes the lead singer of local band, "Lords of the Underworld," which offends singer Phil Collins.

Token teases Cartman about his weight, who then retaliates by throwing a rock back at him. Cartman is convicted of a hate crime and sent to juvenile detention where he experiences life in the "big house." In Cartman's absence, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny try to find a replacement for him so they can win a sled race against the girls.

When Cartman loses a tooth and finds money under his pillow, he and the boys come up with a plan to get rich off the Tooth Fairy. When they find out there is no Tooth Fairy, they formulate an even sneakier plan. Unfortunately, the tooth business is already well established by a mob-like group of kids. Kyle begins to question his parents' lies, and soon questions even his own reality.

Mr. Garrison takes his class to Arkansas to perform in a worldwide recorder concert. Cartman spends the bus ride trying to find the "brown noise" - a pitch which causes people to lose bowel control. Once they arrive, Mr. Garrison confronts his father about the lack of molestation in their family, and the boys get in a verbal battle with some kids from New York.

Cartman begins bleeding from his ass, thinks he's got his period, and is excited about finally entering puberty. Soon, the other boys begin waiting to have their "periods" too. Meanwhile, the new millennium is approaching and while people are going to see Jesus, they really want to see God. Jesus feels it's up to him to impress everyone, so he promises to host a fabulous New Year's event.

This special Christmas episode of South Park features Mr. Hankey and friends singing holiday songs. Hitler, Satan, Jesus, and a whole group of folks from South Park join in.

When the boys participate in a Civil War reenactment, Cartman chooses to fight on the side of the South and take on the role of General Lee. With all the soldiers rowdy and drunk on schnapps, he tries to change Civil War history and allow the South to win. Stan and Kyle try desperately to stop Cartman's plan.

When an alien ship crashes in the African desert, Starvin' Marvin finds it, picks up the South Park boys, and flies to the ship's home planet, Marklar. Starvin' Marvin wants to go back for his people and bring them to Marklar, where there is plenty of food. The CIA is hot on his trail, and a Christian group learns of the aliens and wants to go to Marklar to convert them.

An important spelling bee is coming up, and Cartman's mother tries to prepare him by purchasing "Hooked on Monkey Fonics." During the spelling bee, the boys meet Mark and Rebecca, two local home-schooled children who clearly lack social skills. Mark wants to give public school a try, but learns that sometimes other children aren't so nice, and Kyle develops a crush on Rebecca.

A new fad from Japan called “Chinpokomon” is sweeping South Park, and all the kids want to collect them. They play a Chinpokomon video-game and attend a Chinpokomon convention, but there seems to be a sinister purpose behind it all. The parents try to save their children by inventing fads to distract them.

It's Halloween, and a group of 5th graders scare Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. To get even, the boys create a ghost story about Kyle's dead grandmother, and even dig up her corpse for authenticity - until the body disappears. The band Korn helps the boys get to the bottom of the mystery, while Cartman spends Halloween planning out his Christmas wish list.

The night of the meteor shower, Kyle invites Kenny to go to with him to "Jewbilee", a camp-out for Jewish kids, and Ike goes to the "Squirts" group. They all make gifts for Moses, but when Moses finally appears he bans Kenny, who's not Jewish. Meanwhile, a bear terrorizes the Squirts.

During the meteor shower, Stan's parents bring him to Mr. Mackey's party, but he is sent to the basement where he is forced to hang out with the dorky kids. He discovers that the ATF is surrounding the party, convinced there is a doomsday cult inside. Meanwhile Stan's dad and Kyle's dad share an intimate moment in the hot tub.

During a big meteor shower, all the parents in town go to a party, so Shelley baby-sits Cartman. Shelley won't take any crap from him, plus, she invites her much-older boyfriend over, which really infuriates Cartman. "Mr. Kitty" is in heat, and goes off in search of a good time.

The "Sexual Harassment Panda" visits Mr. Garrison's classroom, and the students become hypersensitive to the issue. Soon, everyone is suing everyone, and while Kyle's dad profits off the lawsuits, the school is in financial jeopardy.

They boys take a shop class, except for Kenny, who is thrilled to be enrolled in Home Economics. Cartman bets Stan and Kyle that Craig could take Tweek in a fight, and so they try to start a brawl between the two boys to see who would win. Apparently though, neither Tweek nor Craig has any fighting experience. Meanwhile, their shop teacher, Mr. Alder, keeps having a recurring daydream about a woman he once loved.

While camping out at Stark's Pond, the boys discover a prehistoric creature. The Department of the Interior claims it is a "Jakovasaur", and wants to breed it to re-establish the species. Once they do, and the creatures are found to be incredibly annoying, everyone wants to get rid of them - except Cartman, who fights to preserve them.

The boys don't like Chef's new girlfriend, so when she and Chef announce their engagement, the boys set out to prove she's a succubus. Chef's parents arrive for the wedding, and tell they boys about the time they met the Loch Ness Monster. Cartman visits an evil optometrist who makes his life a living hell.

First Kenny, and then dozens of other citizens of South Park, spontaneously combust. The Mayor orders Randy to find a solution, but first he has to determine the cause. Meanwhile Kyle's dad is having trouble getting an erection and the boys think they can help.

As punishment, the boys are sent to the Costa Rican rainforest to sing with a children's choir. The perky choir director gets them lost among giant bugs and snakes, and Kenny forms a relationship with a girl who lives in another state. The kids experience what the rainforest is really like.

Kyle and Stan find an ice man frozen in a cave, and argue over their discovery. Dr. Mephesto determines the ice man is not as ancient as they'd hoped, but builds him a habitat to simulate his original time period. They realize he'll just never fit into their era, so they try to find the perfect place for him.

The kids must give a presentation on current events to prove that Mr. Garrison has actually taught them something. The boys are assigned to work with Tweek, who is sure that gnomes are stealing his underpants. Meanwhile, Tweek's dad uses their project to promote his own personal cause.